i’ve realized that it’s hard to be the listener — the great listener — to all your friends. to EVERY friend. it’s hard..especially when you would want them to be just like you..when you would want them to listen to you..or at least just hear you too.

it’s hard to let out a sigh without someone there to ease you. it’s crazy to tap your own back when no one is there to do it to you. it’s hurting to talk to yourself and advice yourself because no one is available.

i’m not, and i have never been that strong — as strong as how everyone sees me. i will not always be the girl who they think could go on through all.

sometimes, a good listener needs a good listener too. a tough girl might also need someone who would hear all the complaints. someone who would just stand beside her until she finishes screaming. someone who would tap her shoulders. and someone who would just wait for her to finish crying and hug her when she’s done with it. maybe, just someone who could just sit down with this tough girl as she reveals her frailty and stop kidding and joking and fooling around…and let her cry…and just let all the pains out. a good friend needs a good friend too.

and when these “friends” don’t come out and let you feel they’re there, these are the times that you’d have to go on for the sake of going on. these are the times that you’d have to plaster a smile in your face and pretend that everything’s okay.

these are the times that you are most in need for people, your friends, and just wish that they were really there and listen to what you say and what you do not say…all the more.

because if not, the only thing that’s left to do is to hold all the tears from pouring, and just let it die there, deep within. and these are the times that even my smiles and big grins freeze my jaw, and my laughter hurts me and deafens my ears.

the mask is now worn.

the mask of a smiling face is now worn.

it hides all.

and it’s not me anymore.

and even when it’s not, i’ll tell you everything’s alright.

everything in this world is more than how we see them. it’s not always as what it seems to be. silent water runs deep…and even the crashing waves has something on it.

i will heal all the sick, and there will be no disease.
i will feed all the hungry.
i will cheer up all the sad and lonely.
strengthen all the weak.
keep everyone safe. no harm at all.
i would even forgive all sins and mistakes of my people. i’ll be perfectly gracious unto them.
however, i’d punish every sinner too, being perfectly just.
i will give people all their wants, saying ‘yes’ all the time.
being the God, i would solve all people’s problems.
and lastly, i will change all the people, to a perfect being instantly.

sound good? maybe. but let’s take another look, and another round of thinking. and see…

Ten problems would happen if i were God.

if i healed all the sick, no one would die. can you not imagine how overpopulated are we going to be if that happens? people won’t enter eternity. the spirit can’t return to God and can’t meet him either. if i healed all the sick, people would be careless and trivialize their own lives.

if i fed all the hungry, no one would work and people would be bored. they would even miss the joy of working and of earning.

if i cheered up all the sad and lonely, people would be careless with their emotional well-being. they would do anything and everything that could seriously hurt their ego, knowing that i’ll be cheering them up after all. people won’t even appreciate happiness, the striving to be happy.

if i strengthened all the weak, people won’t even bother to strengthen and develop themselves. no one would need another person for companion and support, resulting to the isolation of the super strong, because they don’t need anybody anyway.

if i kept everyone safe, people would be reckless. and think about this: since people would always be safe, nobody would care. even if kids go home late, adults drown themselves in liquor, teenagers take excessive amounts of drugs, no one would really care. can you bear living a life where no one would value you? people won’t be so important to people. people, no one, would value life.

if i forgave everyone’s sins and mistakes, people would abuse. live wantonly. people would be calloused, and there would be no discipline for all.

if i punished every sinner, people won’t life a finger to promote and keep justice. no one would be spared too, since all have sinned.

if i gave all people’s wants, again, no one would work, and everyone would miss the joy of working. if i said yes to a petition, wants will never end! no one would be satisfied, and people would be greedy. there will be no striving to be happy. it will be a boring life. everyone would be unhappy and unappreciative, even if everything they want is given to them.

if i solve all people’s problems, life would be dull. no one would know the feeling of asking and clinging to God for help. there would be no challenge and thrill for us. and no one would learn life, of course.

lastly, if i changed everyone, people would be robots. everyone would be the same. life won’t even have great surprises. life would miss it’s one great charm — people’s uniqueness. what a boring life would it be.

perhaps, you are in a situation where you would want God to be an “instant-Healer”, a “yes-Respondent”. perhaps, by this time, you would want God to give you something, do something. maybe you’re praying for something for so long, and as to you, God seems to be deaf of your prayers. then, take a look at these words from your God, our God (i’m sure you know):

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher that the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts…”
-Isaiah 55:8,9 NIV

we might not understand the plans of God in our lives, but have you not thought how miserable life would be if you, or i, would be the one to control our lives? if you or i were God?

whether we do not come to understanding His plans, we should bear deep within our hearts that God knows what He is doing in our lives. let’s not quarrel with God. let’s not tell God what to do.

if only we would stop complaining. if only we would stop telling Him, “Lord, You’ve got to do this… Lord, you’ve got to do that.” if only we would cease bragging, “Lord, i am Your son, Lord, i am Your daughter. why can’t you just do this anyway?” if we would only quit slamming the Heaven’s door for our suggestions. if we would just desist stating what we think can help. then we will see, when all is said and done, that God’s ways and wisdom is still the best.

“The LORD is righteous in all His ways and loving toward all He has made.”
-Psalm 145:17 NIV

His decisions may disappoint us for a while. in His answers of ‘yes’, of ‘no’, and of ‘wait’, remember that your God is the God of great wisdom — a wisdom no one could ever fanthom. God’s ways are still the best.

take a big leap of faith. put your faith, hope, and trust to a God Who will never ever let you down. i promise you, and He promises you too — HE loves you, and HE won’t let you down.

GOD bless your heart!

i’ve read it all. everything with the message: happy hearts day! (or happy valentines day)

well, i can only say that, yes, there’s is something to celebrate. and i’ve realized that you do not need a lover for you to be part of it. too bad i just realized it last night.

unlike the previous years, i’m celebrating this day in a more positive way. see, i didn’t even cried last night

yesterday, i was at school and the scenes we’re so….okay. a lot of my girl friends had received flowers. and the guys are carrying bouquets of flowers too (to be given to the girls, of course.. not that they’re gay! )… that’s pretty enviable. because i do not have any of it.

good thing, one of my girl friends, Jelai, gave us flowers and balloons. that was touching. it was like it was the first time. i’m happy that she was there to make us feel a little touch of the hearts day (guess we need that. out of 5 girls, 3 of us are singles ). i was happy. don’t get me wrong.

but when i reached home, things changed a little. i dropped my bag and sat down. i was a little sad. i guess i’ve seen so much on this city.  but still, i’ve  just thought and thank God because i know He sees me and He knows what i feel and that things are still okay for me. i don’t have a special someone i could really call mine. so what?

i thank HIM for the gift of friendship. maybe Jelai would never know that when i hugged her and thank her, my life had changed — because of the fact that i’ve realized something! even my other friends – alex, jannah, joylyn — would never realize that their presence helped me a lot (oh common. of course i have to get over that day with a smile, at least).

and even the senders of those 98 messages.

i’ll never know what hearts day will be without them.

and without the Lord.

it’s just another hearts day. everyone else will be enjoying the season. and i’ll be here loving my friends, happily waiting for him, and thanking HIM even more.

this could be a gloomy day for you. or if you’re good enough,  ecstatic, maybe. i’ve just learned from my dear friends that being happy on such a day would never ever depend on your social status. how you go on this day would depend on how you see it. it’s just a matter of perspective. i’ve learned that i can go and enjoy myself and just be happy even if i’m single, or i could also curse the whole day because i’m not that fortunate.

but at the end of the day, that’ll be you – the person who just missed a lot out of life.

at the end of these hours, it’ll only be you – what have you done on this day..

at the end of this life, it’s you and GOD – how did you lived this life?

it’s just another hearts day. will you enjoy it, or will you kill your chance of happiness today?

happy hearts day everyone.

take it from the girl who almost missed the beauty of friendship and of life, thinking about her status: let’s enjoy the day. you’ll never regret doing so..

i’ve first encountered this letter when i was, maybe 13 years old… and i swear, i love it. it made me love and trust the LORD more.. just wanna share this to you… <OH! PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS… PUH-LEEZE!!! >

wait and hope…..

“Everyone longs to give himself completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another – to be loved thoroughly and exclusively.

But God says to the Christian: “Not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content by being loved by Me alone – with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me; with an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone, discovering that only Me is your satisfaction to be found – will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me – exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desire or longings.”

“I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing – one that you can never imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things I tell you. You just wait, that’s all. Don’t be anxious. Don’t be worried.

“Don’t look around at the things others have gotten or that I’ve given them. Don’t look around at the things you think you want. You just keep looking at Me, or you will miss what I want to show you. And then, when you are ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would dream of. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready – (I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time) – until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me, and the life prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is the perfect love. And, dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love. What I offer to you is MYSELF. Know that I love you utterly. I am God. Believe it and be satisfied.”

but all i can think about now is the nearing heart’s day.

laugh frantically now, but i just know i’m serious.

“Oh Lord, when will i forget what loneliness feels like?”

23 days to go, and i just know that my environment on that day would be filled with red (bloody red). i can already imagine what would it look like. you know, those red hearts, red balloons, red roses, red ribbons, red flowers, red cards, red red red.and i know that none of them will ever belong to me.

friends would ask and ask and ask what are you gonna do on the majestic 14th of the month of love, or red. they will smile till it reaches their ears, overwhelmed.  it might also be like, they’re gonna jump up and down because of that excitement of having a date.

it’s really odd for a ‘friend’ to break that excitement when you say, “i have no date on the 14th.”  i can still remember the faces of my friends in my early teen years. same thing. same excitement. same nervous giggles. and they would just have to transform into ‘huh-state’ when i say it again.. that yes, i’m dateless. i’ve been dealing with this since first year high school.

and i got used to it. believe me, i do.

..but there’s this hurting. a hurting that nobody really knows.

everybody will have a share of pop corns and movies, pizza slices and soda drinks,  jackets and holding hands, trips and tours and Kodak moments, dinner dates and dances, chocolates and flowers, stuff toys and love cards, rings and bracelets… and promises. and smiles. and love. romantic love.

and on these day, while all are in pairs, i will be having a little love talk with my Lord.

i got used to it. but there’s this hurting……

“Lord, when will i ever forget what loneliness feels like?”

as i cry, rip my journals, write prayers, pray, pray, pray, ask, ask, question… the Lord sits with me in my bedside, and He traces the tears as they fall, giving me His touch – the most tender of all. and it’s good to know that a Lover can comfort me, tell me answers i know i need to hear.

* “God is love,” He says. (1 John 4:8 )

I let out a slow sigh and wait for a moment. But, Lord, I respond, You don’t send a dozen of roses for my birthday.

“This is how we know what love is,” He says. “Jesus Christ laid down His life.” (1 John 3:16)

A pause.

But, Lord, I reply, You don’t squeeze my hand in a dark movie theater.

“How great is the love the Father has lavished,” He says (1 John 3:1).

Another pause.

I know, Lord, but You don’t write me sappy notes when i’m feeling down.

“Love comes from God,” He says. (1 John 4:7)

Yes, Lord, but You don’t carve my initials into an oak tree.

“For God so loved the world,” He says, “that He gave His one and only Son” (John 3:16). *

I know You love me, Lord, I say. I know that.. i know…

..but, can’t i even have my share on the heart’s day?

all this time, i’ve been the one to always try hard to survive this day.  i know that God has plan for really allowing me to be a single lady. but there are just times that i get tired of hoping that i, too, will have my own story someday. while my friends are having fair shares of that happiness to which they are stuck to, i just wonder why am i not having that relationship too. what’s wrong with me? am i not beautiful? do i not deserved to be loved? i’m unlovable, is that it? no one likes me. i’d rather die as a single?

so on days like these, i just write whatever i feel. but God knows that i wanted to do..say..things…. more than that.

on the dialogues i gave previously, it shows how i long for something romantic too. i guess that has been pretty obvious. in spite the fact that i have a happy life with my family, i know, i just know, that i also need a man in my side, as a support, as a friend, and having him can make a difference. i was thinking that maybe, if i met him, i would no longer have lonely nights. maybe by those times, there could be a guy who would just stay up late at night texting me. i was thinking that maybe, by that time, he and i will be filling a void in my heart, a void long been sheltered. maybe by that time, i would feel the change i have been waiting for so long. maybe when we finally meet each other, i would forget what loneliness feels like. maybe, just maybe, i will…. will be happy…

but there are strong pulls. consistent knocks. disturbance. voice. there is a voice. a voice that says “NO, NOT NOW My child. not now.”

hearing that voice, again, makes a difference.

“God is love”

“This is how we know what love is… Jesus Christ laid down His life.”

“How great is the love the Father has lavished”

“Love comes from God.”

“For God so loved the world… that He gave His one and only Son.”

this love… this love…

it is, and it has….to be enough. for me. this is the bigger reality. this love. this is the love..that i need. i’ll forever need.

no man could ever satisfy me. they are not the ones i need for a change. not until i find satisfaction in God’s love, will He ever give a man that would truly and purposely be with me. HIM, it is Him that could satisfy me..change me…fill me.

“All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.” (Psalm 38:9)

for sure, in His seat of glory, the Lord sees me. He knows how i long for a love story too. a God written story. i know that He knows i want my share. and i know He has a plan.  i know He loves me more than any guy could ever do. i know He can fill me up, more than what i think others can. He writes, with His own loving hand, the story that would surely make me happy — a happiness that just exceeds that of being asked for a date, that that will surpass the happiness of being given a flower, a card, a box of chocolate… a story that would just show how much HE loves me..when He gives my hand, in His very right time, to the only prince that would deserve me. a story that would reflect His glory, His greatness, His love.

now, in tears, i know…and thank God….for that great day… for that someday, when i’ll forget what loneliness feels like…

thanks for every love talk, Lord…

If only we knew this would happen, then, we could have written memories that he would surely treasure and leave us with no regrets. “If only’s” just hurts us more. We love him, that’s so true. But we haven’t done so much. We haven’t said so much. We haven’t been good enough. We haven’t been that loving. That caring. That, good…for him. Everything wasn’t enough. His time has ended leaving us in pain and regret and sorrow.

i can’t help but cry hearing, and remembering the lyrics of that song.

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say
And now it’s too late to hold you
‘Cause you’ve flown away
So far away

Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feeling and knowing you hear me
It keeps me alive
Alive

[Chorus:]
And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we’ve lost along the way
And I know eventually we’ll be together
One sweet day

Darling I never showed you
Assumed you’d always be there
I took your presence for granted
But I always cared
And I miss the love we shared

[Chorus]

Although the sun will never shine the same again
I’ll always look to a brighter day
Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep
You will always listen as I pray

[Chorus]

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say

the last lines really hurts, huh.

we never told him all we wanted to say. blame time, blame distance, blame lost of chances, blame attitude, blame problems… blame us. blame us. but blaming won’t take us anywhere, right? Though we should be blamed, maybe. But what shall we do now? He’s lost, and there’s no way we could ever go to him and do all these things we just learned.

it’s so sad and hurting that we’d have to learn –really learn–  the hard way.

We are never in grasp of our time. We can say we can express gratitude and love on “the next time”. Seems like I’ve been hearing this for so long now..maybe for the whole sixteen years of my existence. But now, it is only now that I’ve realized the fact behind that. It’s only now that I’ve realized that, “yeah, i should have done that, i should have done this.” Coz If we didn’t, “if only’s” would never ever end. It would just be there in your face. It would forever be in hound of you. This life has no rewinds. We got to do right things on right times. We always had that chance, and we did little of it.

Now we’d have to live it up this way. We’ve wasted too much time. But surely, God’s wisdom still works here — for my lolo, and for us — we know. HE, the Great ‘I AM’, has prepared a place for my grandfather for him to rest –trully rest– and has prepared a lesson now well-taught.

When we get there one day, maybe we’d be able to do things we haven’t done before. Maybe that time, he would remember us and, you know, patch things up. Express those unexpressed, if we could still do that. We will surely have good, or great times together,  and also because God will be there too. We’re gonna be in the place that has no pain, regrets, sorrow, tears, but love, joy, and peace. It’ll be forever. We no longer have to say goodbye. We will no longer be sad of funerals, right? We will then enjoy time. We will be there someday.

On that one sweet day, we will all be together. On that one sweet day, we’re gonna be happy then. On that one sweet day, yeah, i know i’ll see Papang again.

And we’re waiting… and we’ll be waiting for that one sweet day……

And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we’ve lost along the way
And I know eventually we’ll be together
One sweet day